Such individuals may, but need not be full-time members of a school's staff. Good practice should, moreover, be sought in this country, not elsewhere. The grass on the other side of the fence is not greener: the French have as much difficulty keeping religion out of their schools as we do keeping it in.Worship and religious education are separate activities; that is true But children learn by doing. A few larger cities, in contrast, host a wide range of religious minorities. How does the school assembly fit into such diversity? A successful policy must be realistic, modest and flexible. It should be based on examples of good practice which can be found - indeed they abound if you care to look for them - in every type of context and depend, for the most part, on key individuals. Britain is an unchurched society but far from secular; it is also extraordinarily diverse. Most of rural Britain and quite a number of her smaller cities remain relatively untouched by the arrival of substantial other faith communities in the post-war period.

Certain kinds of Conservative MPs are over-represented in the former group; media intellectuals are disproportionately present in the latter Neither image is accurate. There are two groups of people who misunderstand the nature of religion in this country. The first maintain that nothing - including the school assembly - has changed since the end of the war; nor indeed should it. The second declare that British societyin the 1990s is almost entirely secular; religious assemblies are, it follows, obsolete. If this fails, it may be time to send for Tom Shufflebotham, the legendarily reclusive world champion, who went to ground after charming 511 worms from a three-yard plot at Willaston in 1980 Shufflebotham, you're needed.. Distilling their wisdom, I can tell you that the favoured plan is to place a peeled kiwi fruit halfway down the garden while playing the theme from The Piano through loudspeakers. The main doctrinal difference is that the Devonians use liquid - water, beer, or tea - and rap on the ground in simulation of rain to bring the worms to the surface, while the Cestrians merelyw iggle a four-pronged pitchfork.

Both sing, the Devonians favouring the ditty "Yee Yee Tee Tee Little Worm", the Cestrians "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head''.Both faiths have plenty of ideas for charming a flatworm (thanks, D Kelland, Devon, and M Forster, Cheshire). You may not know that worm charming in Britain is riven by schism. In Blackawton, Devon, they hold the International Festival of Worm Charming. In Will a ston, Cheshire, it is the World Worm Charming Championship. The official advice is to cover them with salt, or stamp on them, hard. But first catch your flatworm. Losing no time, the Captain has spoken to the country's worm charmers.

Their vital work in aerating the earth will be lost: the flatworm does no digging, but merely loiters with evil intent Soon the gardens of Britain will be arid wastes Something must be done. This first drugs the trusting, naive locals, then turns them into a sticky soup Next he/she sucks t hem right up, there and then. Just what you would expect from the country that gave us the All Blacks They came over here as eggs on antipodean plants. Having established strongholds in Northern Ireland, Scotland and the Isle of Man, they are now threatening the Lake District No native worm is safe. SO. Followers of the Captain will know that there was only one story last week: the creeping, slithering, irresistible progress down the country of Artioposthia triangulata, the fearsome New Zealand flatworm, six inches of raw, slimy killer No n amby-pamby half-measures for this guy.